MDMA: Emotional Super Glue for Relationships

by Charley Wininger, LP, LMHC, author of Listening to Ecstasy

Note to the Reader: The information in this blog is provided purely as a personal account. It should not be taken as scientific fact. The experiences relayed here may bear no resemblance to those of others who may experiment with MDMA or other psychedelics, and the author does not advocate or recommend experimenting with them or any illegal substance. Doing so is risky and can be dangerous to your mental and physical well-being.

Potentially one of the world’s most beneficial psychoactive chemicals, and one that almost always bestows a secret smile upon its users, MDMA is a much maligned and misunderstood compound often slandered by a media always hot for another scare-the-pants-off-the-parents story.

But in fact, MDMA is a sheep in wolf’s clothing. An angel depicted with horns. It’s an exotic chemical with a devoted esoteric following, and its benefits are a well-kept open secret. Indeed, the closer one gets to MDMA, the better it looks. In its pure form, and when used responsibly, it remains practically impossible to OD on.

Whenever I’ve found myself on fire in my life to the point where I’ve started approaching burnout, I’ve learned to follow an old adage: “Stop, drop, and roll.” I then carve out time, usually weeks in advance, to stop my life’s merry-go-round for a day, drop some MDMA, and allow the “roll” (the MDMA experience) to replenish my being.

I call this responsible recreational drug use. The very notion may sound counterintuitive to the reader’s acculturated ears, as it once did to mine. But for the community I’ve discovered and that my wife Shelley and I have helped nurture over the past fifteen years here in New York, the responsible middle way (between abstention and abuse) is the way to a fuller life. We’ve found that having a mature and fact-based approach to using MDMA to be of enormous benefit to us.

What makes MDMA an uncanny chemical is its versatility: it has been shown in clinical trials to bring profound and lasting relief to those suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), such as victims of sexual violence and traumatized soldiers back from Iraq. (As a result, it’s due to become a prescription medication by 2023.)  It can also help a couple trying to reclaim the lost heart of their relationship. Yet this same substance at the same dosage can be used at an all-night rave to dance ecstatically with a thousand others in unified, wild abandon. Is there another substance on the planet that can claim such a range of applications?

Although there is much to say about MDMA as a powerful medicine with promising applications, my book is not about the chemical or the science around it but of human chemistry. It’s the story of how this substance has provided a pleasurable backdrop to a full life as well as to a happy and healthy marriage, one that’s been celebrated twice in the New York Times. Shelley and I would have done fine without MDMA. But slowly, over time, it has not only enhanced our marriage and improved our overall quality of life, it’s also opened a door to a hidden, underground world that we’d otherwise never have known was there: a whole community, wonderful new friends, and a second childhood to boot. Not a small surprise for two senior citizens dreading the aging process!

MDMA can point a person inward or outward. Shelley and I and those in our community have found it to be the chemical of connection— with oneself or another. It’s helped imbue our lives with a renewed sense of purpose, meaning, and joy.

My book is also my coming-out-of-the-closet story. This includes how I have struggled with feeling shame about my drug use but have overcome that to embrace a healthy self-regard—even pride—about my explorations. Hiding—the difference between the face I show the world and who I really am—has simply become too burdensome for me. I’ve heard some say, in relation to my drug use, “Aren’t you a little old for that?” This made me consider whether I should, at this age, be concerned about how others might judge me. If anything, I’m too old for that! This is one way aging has freed me.

I’ve come to believe that such explorations can be fun and that fun is essential for mental health and well-being. Indeed fun, joy, play, and pleasure are potentially transformational experiences. Recreational drug use, when done responsibly, may be more frivolous than clinical research, yet it can be more profound than one might think.

As responsible adults, many of us tend to trivialize and devalue recreation. But these days in particular, as I find my free time melting away like a polar ice cap, with reality slapping me in the face every time I flip on a screen and the world looking like it’s about to explode from fear, greed, and hatred, well, I say extraordinary times call for extraordinary pleasures.

So in the face of this onslaught, we’ve found MDMA to be a nectar for the neurons and a tonic for the tense. And as a hard-working dude now in my early seventies, rolling is not only a way of balancing my life but of celebrating it as well. In other words, it’s time for some serious fun.

The above paragraphs, dear reader, were taken from the Prologue to my book, Listening to Ecstasy.

I had met Shelley, my second wife, back in 2000. As boyfriend and girlfriend, we had been perfectly fine without drugs.

But when you’ve finally found the right partner, and feel like you’re on top of the world, you just might get an urge to reach for the stars.

So we did. And made it.

At the time, we were in our early fifties, and really were on a roll without rolling. But adding MDMA to our relationship created a profound, immediate shift, and helped us grow deeper, closer, and happier together as a couple. More specifically, we’ve been able to work on areas like forgiveness, empathy, and self-confidence.

We only do it intentionally, often planning weeks ahead, including for special occasions like Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve, a festival or vacation. And we’ll limit ourselves to about five times a year – otherwise it seems to lose its magic. This is sufficient to refresh and revitalize our marriage, and we’ve found that over time, its benefits have been cumulative.

We discovered MDMA could serve as a kind of emotional superglue for relationships. Sharing this chemical chemistry, and combining it with our existing sexual chemistry, it added a whole other layer of magic, depth, and profundity to our marriage.

To have this extra pleasure and ongoing joy up here in our senior years has, for us, turned into one of life’s sweetest surprises.

And I’m about to celebrate my 70th roll, up here in my early 70s.

Shelley and I consider MDMA to be the chemical of connection, but it connects us to more than just each other.

In the early 2000s, we ventured into a forbidden world of drug users here in New York, and found it to be enchanted, and full of freeing experiences and friendships with people of all ages. 

This was a real revelation for us. We’re taught in school and by law enforcement that the people who hang around drugs are the wrong crowd. I don’t know about other drugs, but when it comes to psychedelics and MDMA, we discovered it was the right crowd.

My wife and I even found a way to roll with others during the current pandemic, in person. Imagine that! With masks – outdoors -- six feet apart -- and high as kites. We missed our usual cuddle puddles, and yeah, it was a little strange getting so chemically naked with each other while maintaining social distancing behind masks. But we found a way, and we found it to be quite healing at a time we needed it the most. (Hint: masks with clear plastic around the mouth help a lot!)

You see, for me, the difference between communing with friends and being on my own is like the difference between heaven and hell.

There’s an old Jewish story of a rabbi who asked God to show him both these places. 

In hell, he saw everybody sitting around a gorgeously decked out banquet table. Their arms were forced to be outstretched, splinted with wooden spoons, so that they couldn’t bend their elbows to bring the food to their mouths. They were all starving, and miserable.

In heaven, he was shown the exact same scene (though with different people). The overflowing banquet table, the enormous spoons strapped to outstretched arms. But there, everyone was satiated and elated.

When he asked why they were so happy, God said, “Because here, everyone feeds each other.”

When I listen to Ecstasy, it teaches me that I need my friends, and should feed my friends, and let them feed me in turn. Yes, I’d known that already. But MDMA helps make that table full of food feel like a true banquet.